The discomfort memories bring can be extremely unsettling. It changes the whole perception you have of people who unintentionally remind you of something that’s long gone, which, at that point in time, caused significant internal distress. You realize that you aren’t blaming them for recalling something, and neither do they want to remind you of anything, but it happens, and when it happens, the whole narrative shifts, like you don’t know this individual anymore. Maybe you know them as they were instead of who they are now. It’s not a grudge that you’re holding, nor is it bitterness, but there’s something odd that you end up feeling. This feeling hasn’t surfaced in a while, but you recognize it because you’ve had a period in your life where you felt the same way. It’s sometimes hard to differentiate between the two despite your awareness of what you’re experiencing.

What I dislike about this uninvited situation is the sensation that catches you off guard and throws you into a place where all you have are your own words to rationalize what you’re feeling. Any intentional conversation you might start at this point will lead to another disappointment because you’ll end up talking about something that holds no substance, so you have to be careful how you process what you’re feeling. The cost of not talking is cheap compared to opening up. Let’s limit this statement to this specific context so that it doesn’t sound controversial or problematic.

I think anything that makes you question the authenticity of your current interactions, while you’re carrying a different version of the same event, should be considered and given some level of priority. It’s important to keep your thoughts in moderation because this feeling that has come uninvited happened for a reason. Even though the reason has faded away, somehow you carried the same perception throughout, making attempts to suppress it to the point where it disappears entirely, although that rarely happens. The good thing is that you understand the meaninglessness your thoughts are carrying. It’s uneasy, for sure, but it’s not something that can’t be managed.

I quit overthinking a couple of years ago for some obvious reasons. I had to immerse myself in binge-watching YouTube videos on philosophy, human psychology, and neuroscience to understand how and why we function the way we do. The mind is one fragile thing. The overall conclusion I drew was that it’s a trap you build yourself, with less intentional influence from external factors and more unresolved internal conflicts. Most importantly, you’re physically inactive for a long time. You need to watch out for the web before you step into it. Some familiarity with patterns is better than the unknown, but it shouldn’t act as a catalyst for the noise you’re creating within yourself.

Coming to an end, I think this odd emotion you’re feeling doesn’t fall under the spectrum of confusion but is instead linked to the past and connected to the current scenario in a way that makes both look identical. You find yourself thinking about past experiences, trying to find a link to the present moment. Despite your best efforts, these feelings can still make you feel uneasy, even though you have a clear understanding of your emotions. It feels like I’m writing the same thing over and over, but anything that helps and costs nothing is something you shouldn’t whine about, so I won’t. The uneasiness happens because you either forced yourself to believe or assured yourself that what’s gone is gone and won’t come back. You didn’t know, but you believed, and that’s not your way of living. There’s a quote by Carl Sagan: “I don’t want to believe. I want to know,” and I live by that. To know, you must see whats being revealed, not just the intent. Humans reveal themselves through small actions, and so do I, and maybe that’s why I carry some sort of doubt when it comes to people. If we’re all same, we’re equally twisted. Although I don’t like to sit on a pedestal, but I can’t speak for others.

I think at this point, I’m calm and composed, and I’m feeling normal. I took out what I needed to. I’m not sure how much sense it will make, but I’m not coming back to this post or this phase.

Fuck It, We Ball