Smoked a couple of cigarettes a few minutes ago, and now I’m back home. While I was on my way, I was listening to Como Mi Quieres and daydreaming about playing it in my room. Suddenly, this thought came to mind about the posts I’ve written. Since I refuse to read my posts because I’ll either die of cringe or disagree wholeheartedly with what I’ve written, and due to the fear of judgment, I’ll try to add refinements, change, and adjust my words to match my current state of mind. The smart thing to do is to keep things as they are, go with the flow, and not dwell on the past.
A bit of contradiction I can sense while writing this because saying “not to dwell on the past” reminded me of the posts I wrote last year, which mention specifics of the past. But what can I do? I like to jump here and there while writing because random incidents pop up in my mind, and somehow I feel they’re correlated to what I’m saying. This distracts me from vomiting what I actually want to vomit, so I end up using “I remember” a lot at the beginning of paragraphs.
It’s not about good or bad, and I’m saying this because I was going to start with “it’s not that it’s a good or a bad thing,” but I feel like I should write more about the present as I go forward, or maybe even about the future, and the events of today, or the thoughts of tomorrow, similar to this one. Like, I started writing this post because I had a thought about what I’d like to write in the future, so here I am, spilling my thoughts. It kinda feels refreshing.
Moreover, I build a lot of stupid tools, and they act more as learning experiences since a lot happens during that time, some major and some minor. I encounter problems, I fix them. I encounter other problems, I get frustrated. I encounter even more problems, I leave the project immediately, and go build something else until the solution somehow comes to mind on a random day. So, all these things happen, and I do get to learn a variety of things. Something I’d like to keep in mind is that if I’m building something that requires some sort of “finding,” I should write about it. If I’m trying to fix a problem I’m facing and I’ve fixed it successfully or unsuccessfully, I should write about it.
One thing I’ve realized is that it’s hard to separate the past entirely while writing because it acts as a foundation for what is happening in the present. However, my idea is to use those past events only as bullet points for context, rather than jumping back and forth between the present and nostalgia. This way, I can maintain focus on what I’m actually writing, type with precision, and stick to the relevant.
Another thing I’d like to focus on is avoiding writing anything that contains a strong opinion about a third person, where I’m trying to criticize them harshly. It’s very easy to sit on a pedestal, hold a high moral ground, and have strong opinions about everything, but that’s twisted and rotten. It takes away all the positive space you have, leaving you in a state of bitterness. I cannot afford to be bitter anymore. It’s unproductive and puts you in an echo chamber, where you juggle between the present and the conclusions you’ve drawn from past.
I’m not going to sprout a halo and become a paragon of eternal positivity, but my focus is going to be more on what’s happening now rather than what happened two years ago. Gotta live in the present, man.
Happy New Year 