I’ve carried hate in my heart for a long time, but one thing I made sure of was not to project it onto anyone else. I didn’t want any part in conflicts, so I kept my opinion as personal as I could. Instead of engaging in arguments or debates that would only escalate my feelings, I chose to stay out of the mess. Later on, I’d sit in front of my computer and write about it because I needed those thoughts out of my mind as soon as possible. I knew that voicing my anger would only cause discomfort, especially since I avoid sugarcoating my words when I need to be clear about my opinion, so I kept it bottled up inside. This way, I avoided unnecessary drama and kept a bit of peace, even though the anger still simmered inside me, but it stayed for a shorter period of time. If I could write, I’d quickly be out of the zone that was causing great discomfort just a few hours ago. So, I chose a way that gave me the independence to feel what I was feeling without facing any judgments and criticism, keeping myself far far away from the drama, and let go of any resentment easily without much back and forth.

It’s not the right way to deal with things, and I may contradict myself, but I think conflicts are a better way to resolve issues rather than bottling them up. If you have something to say but hold back, you cling to that perspective for a long time. Even if you don’t have personal issues with someone in the present, you create an image of them based on unresolved feelings. This makes it hard for you to see them differently, so they remain the same person as they were when the situation worsened. You end up creating this notion that justifies the odd feelings you have for them, and it makes perfect sense for you to maintain a distance from them. Conflicts can sometimes act as a litmus test and help you rationalize your feelings and let go of many, or they can be a way to validate your opinion regarding that specific person or situation.

As of now, one thing that works for me is maintaining distance. I’ll avoid any kind of negativity as long as I’m not being pulled into it by someone else. I believe anger and bitterness are only justified if you didn’t create the situation but were dragged into it by someone you trusted. Expectation without trust inevitably leads to disappointment, but to trust, you end up creating this zone of expectation which happens naturally over time. It seems to be an endless cycle

The reason I started writing this post is because I’m finding myself being bitter for no reason now and then, and unintentionally, I’m projecting it in places where I feel comfortable. This shouldn’t be the case, and it feels like saying what I’m feeling won’t change anything. The words I’m speaking seem useless, or maybe I’m saying them to someone who cannot understand what I’m saying. I’m not looking for any sort of validation or acceptance, but it feels comforting if someone is willing to put themselves in your shoes and go on a small walk, no matter how uncomfortable it is for them. Is it reasonable to expect this? I don’t know.

One of the things I should have done is, instead of talking, I could have stuck to my usual way of dealing with these feelings and gone for an endless rant on a piece of paper. Sooner or later, we all try new things, and this was new to me as well. I don’t regret expressing myself verbally, but I’ve realized that it doesn’t work for me.

Now that I feel much better, I think the time has come to let go of my bitterness. I think I’ll be fine within a few hours. Until then, I’ll distract myself with some YouTube videos or start building a new silly project.

I come sit down beside me
I said to myself
And although it doesn't make sense,
I held my own hand
As a sign of trust
And together I sat on the fence

– leunig