Argument, Guilt, and More

[ life , raw thoughts , feelings ]

I’m writing this because I argued with my mother over nothing, and in the middle of the argument, I realized how naive my behavior was.

Growing up, I was always close to her, and nothing has changed even to this date. I love my maa, and it’s the only time I don’t have to wonder if I really love someone or not. When I say she’s the coolest, I’m not exaggerating even a bit. She really is cool.

There was a time when I could argue with her for hours without realizing it, but things have changed now. As I’m growing up, every word I speak involves some thought before it comes out of my mouth. I try my best not to argue, but I’m only human, after all. Conflicts aren’t easy to avoid, so they happen. Things aren’t the same as they were, and I still argue with my mother, but there has been a massive shift in my afterthoughts, which I’d like to discuss with myself.

I often say that one must drown in the ocean of guilt if one would like to learn from their actions, but it’s the first time I’m writing about it. This topic is somewhat out of the scope of this post, but I’m hoping it will bring some answers to the unasked questions. Also, it’s not a quote but a general thought that I have, and I’m not aware of how much truth it holds for others, but I’ve used these words as a mechanism through which I don’t get to repeat some of my mistakes. The prerequisite is digging a hole, filling it with guilt, and jumping right into it. The hardest part is to dust off the guilt as quickly as you can and not let it take the form of a marsh.

Definition of guilt:

Guilt is an emotional discomfort you feel when you believe that you were responsible for something that offended or hurt someone else. Guilt can be legitimate – you may have made a mistake and you regret your words or actions, causing you to feel guilty. However, there are times when guilty feelings are unwarranted – you may have taken on guilt for something you didn’t do or something you did that wasn’t actually wrong.

It’s important to understand that what I’m writing falls under the spectrum of my rare feelings. This post is more about the ‘afterthoughts’ and how I’ve started to use them to become more thoughtful. I can only figure out exactly what I want to express as I continue writing. Moreover, I don’t sit down and try to surround myself with guilt every day to ‘learn.’ This post is a product of something that must have happened, but not to the extent that I’m still holding on to things. It’s 7 pm, and I’d like to take a moment to reflect.

There are many things that I don’t do now because doing them in the past and unintentionally realizing their effect on a random day filled me with guilt. I actually felt really bad, and that’s why that ‘part’ of me has had to take a step back.

One thing that comes to mind is this event of 2018 when I rubbed extremely sugary sweets on my friend’s bike, which led to him confronting me about it. A few minutes after this mischief, I wanted to go back and clean his bike, but the dilemma was strong enough to prevent me from doing so. I thought about it extensively and was not okay with my action. I apologized after the confrontation, but my guilt made me more aware of the situation rather than the confrontation itself. I felt bad for him because he was confronted by his father due to my actions, and I was thoroughly disappointed with myself.

I remember slapping a drunk man who misbehaved with my mother. I slapped him the next day, but not in front of my mother. I was quiet and looked straight into his eyes while he was blabbering. I was coming home and met him near my house. He said something to me, and I ignored him. Then, he veered off the road and said something disrespectful. I grabbed him by his collar and slapped him as hard as I could. Later, I felt like I had hit someone who was weak, and I shouldn’t have done that. I thought maybe I should have just slapped him once and moved on, but I also wished he would close his mouth and stop talking nonsense, which only fueled more anger. He didn’t get the chance to even throw a punch. That made me feel like he’s a weak, weak man, and I shouldn’t have hit him.

I remember throwing punches at a man’s face after he hit me with his bike, which he was riding without any spatial awareness. I was standing in the middle of the road near the divider, where people usually stand after crossing half of the road so they can cross the rest if it’s manageable. I was waiting for the traffic to pass by, but the next moment, I was hit by his bike.

It didn’t make sense how someone could drive in between the street. We both fell, but I was filled with rage because what he did was utterly stupid. He stood up, started shouting at me, and grabbed my collar, so I punched him. I was so enraged that I might have hit him hard. I saw him feeling dizzy and his body off balance. On my way home, I kept saying to myself, ‘I shouldn’t have done that.’ I didn’t like what I did. I didn’t like what he did either.

There are many more incidents when I’ve said things to people and regretted it, even when it wasn’t my fault. The actions I had to take were purely reactions to the situations I was put in, and that too without my fault. I believe that by writing about it, I can definitely prepare myself to deal with these situations in a better way. I often say to my mother that I’m not a saint and sometimes I go ‘off road’ (no pun intended), but there’s hardly going to be a time when I’m the one to initiate. When it comes to fighting, I’m cocky because I’ve never been hit, and that gives me confidence, but I don’t like doing these things. I call myself lucky, but I wish never to be in such situations where I have to do things I don’t want to. I like to write code, read books, cook food, and stay away from noise. You won’t find me at social places. I’m not an outgoing person and I don’t enjoy socializing, so the last thing I want to do is deal with people. I’m not a people person. It’s not hate or anything negative, it’s just my nature. I’ve been around enough people, so I know what I know.

I’m not going to sit on a pedestal and think I’ve never been wrong; I have, but who doesn’t argue or shout? However, to me, these things bring guilt. Thankfully, I don’t get involved in such things on a regular basis. They happen once in a while, but they stay with me forever.

Note – The links have nothing to do with what I’ve written. I was reading about guilt out of curiosity before starting this post.